I had this post as it is already published in February 2017. In the course of the move he went offline. Since he is close to my heart, I post him here again, even if my view on the topic has changed a bit in the meantime. Therefore there will be an update soon.
It’s been a while since I reached 30. And I thought for a long time (1 year to be precise) whether I should write about this topic at all. That a woman philosophises or complains about getting older is nothing new after all. But I would like to write about my perspective and what a number has done to me.
Already on the day of my 30th birthday the comments and good advice started (ok partly already before that but I didn’t care that much yet). At the age of 30 you are professionally stable, you should have a family or at least be married. The building savings contract is finally applied and the furniture of the student dormitory is exchanged for higher quality furniture. There are many more clichés. Unfortunately. And for everyone who likes to go this way or similar, it is also perfectly ok. Only I am not all that! I’m single, I live with IKEA furniture, I’m not satisfied professionally yet and certainly not at my destination and children have never been a topic for me before I turn 35. And you know what? I feel well with it! I didn’t feel like I was missing anything. After all, most of my life is still ahead of me. I enjoy the freedom to have in my own apartment and not to be bound. I have to do some things for my grandmother and then there are also still the rats, but all this is not to be compared with an own family.
Everything would be so great if there weren’t the strange and reproachful looks of relatives and friends with and without children. One is quickly suggested that one doesn’t get one’s life together, that one would be selfish, irresponsible and that one would have wasted one’s chances. And very bad are allusions to the ticking clock. Especially gloomy if you have relatives for whom it’s part of their entertainment program to drag you down. But what would change for these people if one corresponded to the classic picture? Exactly, nothing at all! So why feel bad just to match a picture that’s as outdated as the cord phone? Everybody talks about the fact that the classical curriculum vitae is replaced by more individual ways.
My 30 wasn’t a yoo-hoo
But that’s exactly what happened to me. With the start into the 30’s I got depressed and even slipped into a depression. Something I never thought would happen to me. I suddenly had the feeling that I had overslept my 20s and that everything I had achieved was worth nothing. I suddenly felt too old for social media and blogging. Too old to just have fun with friends. I had thoughts that I should better try to squeeze my life into the cliché, because then I might feel better and I don’t want to be alone when I’m 70. But at the same time my stomach cramped because I didn’t want to give up my freedom.
Another aspect that others might have problems with is getting older on the outside. This does not apply to me yet, because I always look much younger. Sometimes I become 10 years younger or more appreciated and I often had to show my identity card. When you’re young it annoys you when you have to show your identity card, but believe me, you will miss it painfully if it doesn’t happen again. But instead of feeling good because I was considered younger, I was ashamed. It was like a kick in the face to not be taken for full.
The way goes up
Last year in November, however, the point came for me where I knew that things could not go on like this. Until then I had withdrawn very much, slipped back into my eating disorder and only felt at home or with my grandmother.
I had read an shortly before in which she writes about how great it is to turn 50. And suddenly the thought came to me: “Damn, and you’re whining and blocking yourself because you find it bad to be over 30? Get your life together! And that was the start back to myself and to accept that it doesn’t work overnight. I started to clean out and make a realistic plan for 2017. I know I’m not 20 anymore and I don’t want to be. Things like insurance and a regulated budget are important to me. Before I travel I plan now much more exactly and my rats have their own money box (which however was emptied very much after the many veterinary visits). And I’m not quite out yet. I still have days, especially when something is not going well, when I fall back into the hole or at least stand very close to the edge. But I don’t want to stand in my way anymore and live my life the way I want to.
And yes it is a contribution in which I whine about aging. But I can’t be the only one who can do it like this? Whereby it is not the number in itself, but what one connects with hers and what is expected of one. The crazy thing is that I have swum my whole life against the current and had success with it. Also on the risk that I demonize myself in 10 years for this decision, it is for me the healthy way.
Here I link you another video in which 100year-olds and older talk about their lives. And all speak positively about it, although they are the generation the 2 world wars (or the consequences) have experienced.
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